A very odd and indescribable sadness flooded throughout me today. The feeling was thick and uncomfortable, and sucked me dry to the point where I couldn’t function. That feeling made it difficult speak, talking only seemed to drain me further. I don’t understand. Last night I was feeling on top of things again, my confidence was settling back in and I welcomed it with open arms. However today, just a few hours ago, all that changed. I’m considering maybe it was a spiritual thing. I was about to finish reading ‘Save me from Myself’ and it brought a lot of guilt to my attention.
Last night had a very strange moment with Jared. After I beefed up on some useful information about Satanism, I decided to discuss it with him. We were sitting in his room, and I tactfully brought the discussion up. While I went into the conversation with no real goal or opinion, I soon found myself asking him serious questions that made him uncomfortable. I don't know why I got so heated about it; I wasn’t trying to make a point. I was voicing how both Satanism and Christianity had their own valid perspectives. While I assured him more than once that we weren’t in a debate, I started asking very debatable questions. He didn’t have a credible answer for any of them. I simply asked him to look at both sides. Which is odd because I don’t even have a side.
Somehow maybe that isn’t true. At one point I got stuck on a point and from nowhere I asked God to help me find an answer. This was after I had a mixed drink so I was more scatter brained than I liked. He asked me, “Well if God cares so much, why does he allow us to feel pain?”
After a moment of hesitation, from somewhere the answer came to me. I remembered my dad reading me a chapter from his book, ‘I have too much faith to be an atheist’ (I make people read to me, it's gay). The answer was that God allowed pain because it is the only way we can grow and learn. If you think about it logically, about your pain and what you’ve learned from it, it makes sense. There are a few loopholes and contradictions with an atheist, and it only takes one contradiction to make it imperfect. I really can't afford to pour my heart into something faulty.
When I explained this to him (for the second time, we had this discussion a few weeks prior) he got quiet and looked at me defensively. I saw that I had lost him and decided to tell him a story where I had rebuked God in one of my darker states of depression to bring him back to me. He laughed and it had worked. Honestly, I didn’t feel good about it, even after we were both laughing. In the back of my mind I felt like it was the weak thing to do.
While I posed as if I was on his side, supporting his religion, I snuck in hints of Christianity to see if he was confused in what he believed in. Again, I don’t know why I did that. It’s not like I’m conditioned to defend God. In my home we never talk about God because for some reason it pisses me off. Most of the people I know are either atheist or agonistic. When I think about Christians, geeky closed-minded church goers come to mind.
I know in the deepest part of my soul that there is something more to this God thing. But it’s hard to admit it. I also think sometimes I would like to know what this Jesus guy is all about; does he really love me like I was his child? Why.
It's too much for me to comprehend. Right now I need time to think. I’m not sure I’m ready to give my life completely over to God yet. Even though it’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure to believe in, even if I say otherwise. Even if I flat out say,
"There is no God."
Chatboard (0)